I am stressed. I'm tired but I don't have time to sleep, I'm underprepared but I don't have time to prepare better, I am overstimulated but I don't have time to be alone and clean all the junk out of my soul. The most relaxed I ever get (this is why I am here right now instead of doing the other things I mentioned) is reading an email or message from home. I have to keep it short, though, because I have YET ANOTHER dinner engagement shortly.
Yes, I understand all the reasons that it is necessary to accept people's invitations. That, and I do enjoy the conversation, the food (!!!) and the fact that people are so happy to see me and try out their few words of English on me. I love people, and these people love me, and in any other circumstances I'd be thrilled to meet new people, share their homes and opinions and hopes and dreams. Most important of all, I'm here to bless people, and this is an important part of that. I realize this, so my intent is not to complain about it.
However, none of what I've just said changes the fact that all of this takes energy, or the fact that energy is currently in short supply. Planning, lunch, dinner, actual teaching, weekend trips... I'm not sure how long I can maintain such a pace. "As long as God gives me grace, which is as long as I need it" is, of course, the correct answer. I am working on clinging to this. The thing is, while I intellectually understand how important lunch is to people, instinctively I consider it much less significant. So, my body is shouting at me for not doing a (very normal, back home) "hey, I'm exhausted and I have a lot on my plate for this week, mind if we skip it for today" kind of thing. In my current attenuated state, what would normally be a welcome and even delightful privilege has become a heavy burden.
I'm stretched really thin right now, and all of these responsibilities are getting more intense, rather than less. Please pray hard for me in the next two weeks, that God will show me the correct balance between the kind of sacrificial love that Jesus always showed, and his equally well-developed sense of when to "withdraw to lonely places." And pray above all else that no matter how tired/irritated/depressed/whatever I get, I won't inflict my bad moods on the people I'm supposed to be ministering to (including kids, dinner hosts or hostesses, my colleagues/helpers, or anybody really). There's no excuse for that.
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3 comments:
Sorry things are so rough. We'll pray that what sleep and rest you do get will do double-time work!
Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
Get ready to hold out you cup!
Silas, Sarah just forwarded me your blog url. I've read through it this morning and found it so encouraging. It is super-cool to hear your thoughts, and an added bonus that you write so well. Just one or the other would be worth the read; both makes this something I'll look forward to regularly.
About taking time away from a busy schedule: Being an ADHD work-aholic, compulsive extrovert, I can relate to the struggle you describe. It amazes me to think that the Word who became flesh and understood more than we ever will the pain and opportunity around him "retired" to secluded places regularly. Seems like a collossal waste of time, considering there was a world to save, etc, etc.
John B.
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